悔しい

Keeping on keeping on, while everything changes around me.

The band I sing with is dissolving. The drummer (and founder) wants to quit, and the guitar, keyboard, and bass players have been bouncing new band names off each other. The bassist keeps including me in the email by mistake, so I can sort of half see that they're doing something that deliberately doesn't include me.

I'm mad, because I feel like they think I'm not a good enough singer to keep around while at the same time not having the balls to come out and tell me.

I'm mad, because I know I can sing. That style was a departure for me, and I took a lot of risks trying to improve, so I didn't always sound amazing in rehearsal. I trusted them enough to make mistakes in front of them, but they didn't have enough faith in my ability to trust that I would get it together before we had to perform in front of people.

I'm sad, because I thought these were nice, talented people and I was so happy to hang out with them and sing once a week, and now I feel like they didn't feel the same way about me.

I'm sad because I can't even commit to another project right now, when there's a strong possibility I'll be moving 500 miles away in the next six months.

I'm sad because I'm 52 years old and I never did anything with my life.

悔しい