すげぇむかつく (Old post)

I was going to start from scratch today but this was in my saved-but-not-posted cache, much to my surprise. It's been more than six months, and things have evolved, but I'm going to post this anyway because I'm really glad I wrote down how I was feeling at that time. It took months to get over this, and the truth is it's never going to be the same, but that's a topic for another post. So for anyone who cares, here's a peek into my March 2018 mindset.

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What. The actual. Fuck. I am so beside myself right now, and I need to get all of this down so I can sort out what I'm going to do about it.

I got a text today from the guitarist. Who, for the record, joined the band the exact same time I did.

It was a lovely, thoughtful text praising my harmonic work and inviting me to join the others to "see where this project goes." Except here's the thing -- I've been singing with these people for almost a year. So when he gently tells me that I should focus on harmony and not lead vocals, and he doesn't know whether I'll be happy with that or not, I want to scream.

Why the fuck don't you know what I'll be happy with, after probably 50 three-plus-hour rehearsals together? Rehearsals where I cheerfully sing any harmony available at both ends of my range, sometimes in the same song? Rehearsals where I have NEVER asked for another lead vocal? Rehearsals where I have struggled and taken BIG vocal risks to handle the few lead vocals that were originally assigned to me, whether I liked them or not, whether they were in my range or not, and almost never complained about it? Rehearsals where I have done my best to be friendly and supportive and easygoing?

Why did you need to all get together and discuss what my role should be, before inviting me -- by text no less! -- to join a band that I thought I already belonged to? So I'll be, what? an auxiliary member who just does whatever you tell her to do?

I have logged over 3,000 miles driving back and forth to these rehearsals. I've never complained about the distance or the time it took, because I was so happy to be there. Now it seems like they all thought I was incompetent and delusional, when nobody ever took the trouble to ASK ME how I felt about things.

In November, when the keyboardist casually, via group text, declared that we should drop one of "my" songs because "the vocals aren't there," of course I was upset. It was the truth, so I wasn't upset about that. I was upset that he arbitrarily made a group announcement with a vague, backhanded remark about "the vocals" instead of talking to me. If he had asked me straight up, "How do you feel about this song?" I would have told him, straight up, "I don't think it's ready for prime time. It might get better, but it needs a lot of work." But he didn't ask me.

So my gut reaction was, "I'll show him," and I worked really hard on the song. Then I recorded myself singing it, listened to myself, and gave up in despair. Maybe I'll never have that kind of voice, but it certainly wasn't going to develop overnight.

I never confronted him. I never made a scene. I pulled myself together and worked hard at rehearsal like I always do, and the subject was never brought up again.

And now this? Now a pat on the head, an offer to be a backup singer -- or not, they'll understand -- understand WHAT, exactly? If they understood me at all they would know I could care less about the lead vocals. To me the harmonies are as important as any of the instruments.

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TL;DR I still love this band but I'm probably not going to keep singing with them for very much longer.

このバンドが大好きなんだけど

It's been a hell of a year. I haven't updated in ages, barring the random saved draft that I decided to toss into the ether. My mother-in-law died just before Valentine's Day, so there is no more driving an hour each way to spend half a day at the nursing home. I would be lying if I said that's not kind of a relief, but it's a little depressing that my husband's family, who I used to think were so close, haven't gotten together once since the funeral. My husband met his brother for lunch one time a few months ago, and we've been invited to an "open house" on Christmas Day, but it's really sobering to realize that Mom must have been the only reason they ever got together.

I hope that doesn't happen to my family.

On the music front, it's taken a lot of soul searching, but I eventually decided that I really like the other band members and I'm okay with singing backup. Since then, we spent about six months auditioning drummers and not making any progress as a group. We finally decided on someone early this fall, and we're ramping up to our first gig out, playing the opening set for an already established band.

Along the way, I started exploring other options, which led to a project where I'm a valued lead singer. To be clear, I don't necessarily feel like I need to be a lead singer. A lot of times I'd rather fade into the background. But more and more I am not happy with the way my voice sounds in rehearsal.

The lead singer in the classic rock band was blessed with a naturally big voice. Her intonation isn't always perfect (which makes perfect harmony pretty difficult especially when there are more than two voices) but she has a presence that I can't approach. Maybe I'll never have that kind of voice. Maybe I don't want to; I don't even know. But rehearsals are so LOUD that even she needs to be heavily miked to sound good -- I don't have a prayer. And when I force, it sounds bad.

In the new band, I can hear myself. I can play with levels, and put real emotion into my voice. I feel like a real singer, and I feel valued. In fact, if I wasn't part of this new band I might have already quit singing in despair.

The other part of it, that I realized suddenly during the last rehearsal, is that I really miss the old drummer. The harmonies made him so happy; nobody else seems to be that interested in them.

So I guess it's back to self doubt and drinking more wine than I strictly speaking should.