Advice, please?

[mereilin]

Today Daniel apparently was disrespectful to his coach. Instead of benching him or ejecting from the game, the coach cornered me in the snack bar (where I was "volunteering"). He was visibly angry, and he's a big guy.

I don't know what the original problem was, but apparently Daniel's verbal response was unacceptable. And then he had to spit out a sunflower shell. Only he didn't turn his head so he kind of spit it at the coach.

Yup, bad choice. But instead of benching him or ejecting him from the game -- or anything that might be fair and appropriate consequence -- coach comes over to me and orders me to have a talk with him.

Here's my problem. I feel like the level of anger vented at me was out of proportion to the offense and taught Danny nothing. I also felt personally attacked, and it isn't the first time this coach has gotten in my face about something Danny did that frankly I thought he should have just handled, as the coach, and been done with it.

When I told the coach (a little less eloquently than I just wrote it), he just said "fine" and his "apology" sounded more like "whatever, bitch" in tone.

[Poll #1412045]

Comments

[elehu.livejournal.com]

My vote is really a modified vote for choice #1. It's probably worth calmly explaining to the coach what it is you've expected of him. (Benching, etc. Acting like coaches used to act.) Today's pop culture has made a coach's job as hard as a teacher's.

[luvszoe.livejournal.com]

I was going to pick #1 but then I realized that it isn't your responsibility to really "smooth things over."

I think if it were me, I would say: "I didn't want you to think I wasn't supporting you the other day when Danny got out of line with you, but I didn't feel I should interfere with your job as a coach to my son."

That coach just displayed the fact that he is not capable of handling his own discipline. It's the same thing with teaching. If we send the kid out of our room to the principal, we are basically saying: "I'm not equipped to deal with your behavior, but the principal is."

Kinda usurping your own power and authority, you know?

[elehu.livejournal.com]

That's a really good point. I'm still rather appalled at how poor so many of these early kids' coaches are. I lived in respectful fear of mine, and the experience was better for it. Just got lucky, I guess.

[htnatch.livejournal.com]

When the season is over, after trying to talk to the coach and smooth things over, tell someone in admin. It will not help Danny at all if the man has trouble with his own anger to do it before then, and might help other kids if there is an ongoing problem if you do say something to someone "above" him. If they don't know there's a potential problem, they can't do anything about it. Good Luck.

[katfur.livejournal.com]

I'd definitely talk to the coach - and maybe see if other parents have had this problem? (I'd also be curious to know if the coach once tried things like benching, and was raked over the coals by other parents, though I'm not sure how you'd figure that out...)

Don't go behind the coach's back, though. Talk to him, and maybe even try to get something across along the lines of how you feel he'd be within his rights as the coach to bench a player who was being disrespectful, but also how you, the parent, might want to know about the incident after the game? In a respectful manner, of course.

My parents used to coach my soccer teams, and if ever they'd benched a player or something, they would often explain why to the parent of said player after the game. Then it's a consistent message, y'know?

But yeah, I'd definitely look into this coach's history with others. There might be a reason he's dealing with Danny the way he is beyond simple ignorance (if I might be so blunt).

[catsash.livejournal.com]

All good advice. I think I'd put the ball in the coach's court. I'd be all sweetness and light and say "Could we have a chat about what happened the other day? I feel its really important that Danny behaves appropriately when he is with you, and support you whole-heartedly, but I worry that by coming to me first without applying some appropriate "fits the crime" sanction will undermine your authority in his eyes. By all means, if you /need/ me to step in I can, but I feel that you would probably have longer term success with him if he knows that your word is absolute, and that you have my support without having to seek it."

What you are really saying is "Aren't you a very good coach? I, (the superior moral highground woman) will help if you are struggling...." :-)